Yesterday evening I felt a big burst of energy and I just wanted to start cleaning. I did sort a few things out, didn’t do all that much, but today has come along and I feel so lethargic and I honestly don’t really want to do anything. 

Some days I don’t want to even get out of bed, other days I want to be out and doing things and I don’t want to be stuck in the house. I can’t seem to find a happy medium and it’s so confusing.

I keep having random mood swings. For example; Wednesday evening I went to the pictures with John to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie. There was a couple sat next to us right at the back who were talking. I couldn’t really hear what they were saying but John mentioned that the guy liked the sound of his own voice and that made me hear them more, so I got quite annoyed and shouted at them. After that I felt really strange. I felt like I had embarrassed John, my face felt really red like it was burning and my heart was pounding like mad. After the movie I did apologise to John in fear that I had offended him/embarrassed him. He did ask me why if I have a panic/anxiety disorder why can I sometimes be so loud and shout at people, yet other times be timid, intimidated and panicky. And the answer to this is that I don’t know, but now I fear that it might end up ruining our relationship because recently I have been snappy. 

I quit smoking on New Years Day and I have no idea if this is somehow intertwined with everything going on. I have had a drag of a cigarette here and there, but It’s not even amounted to a full cigarette in 20 days and I think that’s pretty good going. 

I had an appointment with someone from Self Help Services regarding treatment and planning for my panic attacks. She’s really nice, seemed helpful and wasn’t patronising in any way. I’m constantly on the defensive and tend to take things the wrong way and I was frightened that she was going to say something I didn’t like and I was going to snap at her, but I didn’t. I really wouldn’t want to do that, at all. 

We spoke about a lot of things and time flew, it felt really weird just talking to someone about my problems, but that’s what she’s there for. I’d love to talk to John about the shit that’s going on in my head, but he has his own stuff to deal with and along with my shit it’s not fair to overcomplicate things. 

It’s not like I can’t talk to John, because I can. There’s just certain things that are going on with me that I don’t understand and can’t comprehend, so how can he? 

Just don’t want to lose him and that’s what I’m afraid of the most.